so you say you want to lose weight…

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 at a certain point, it is no longer about adding things to your life – but taking them away.

 

 

fast? easy? simple steps?

 

how about this.

step 1:

un-fuck your head.

now, to be fair – every following step will just a sub step on your way to completing step one – or a mechanism for dealing with your inability to do so. when i say “un-fuck your head” i am not just being cheeky, the first thing to accept is that the mechanics of eating is not your problem * –  it is the emotional involvement.  we know what to eat – we just keep looking for better answers. we sabotage ourselves not due to confusion over the consequences or actual circumstances, we just allow those moments to excuse petulant behavior.  we want what we want and no-one, especially not ourselves, will get in the way of this self destructive toddler having a tantrum in our heads.

 

at this point i need to bring up a dear friend and client of mine – he has always been a big guy – 6’4″ ish and, back in march, he weighed 378#. the month of march is important because that is when he went to the doctor feeling a little “off” only to find that his blood sugar was a complete mess. the message from the doctor was pretty simple – “you finally did it. fat guy prize. you are diabetic. i hate calling this a disease, it is just your bodies reaction to the shit you have been doing to it for the last 35 years. i can give you medicine to manage it and you can die in 15 years due to complications and maybe loose your foot along the way, or you can start acting like a fucking adult and get this under control.” i am paraphrasing here, but that was pretty much the gist. he switched to a low GI diet, focusing primarily on the low half of the low. initially he counted calories but after learning that he could have 4700 a day and still lose weight gave it up because he was never even close. he has lost over 120# since then and it is still dropping.

 

now, there are a few other factors that i feel are very important – one is that he is a bit of a hypochondriac, and he is also passionate about jujitsu. being a hypochondriac made chronic disease a lot scarier – provided a stick – while jujitsu (and the improvement of it) provided the carrot.  the spell was broken, the shock was enough to change his perspective. the emotional reward from a piece of cake now had very real cost – one he was not willing to pay. he simply stopped wasting time looking for an answer he liked and acted on the information he had the whole time.  he made a decision – truly decided to do what was necessary – no bullshit, no excuses, just right action. every decision could now simply be weighed against the goal – not perfection, but progress. lamenting about mistakes does not advance us – act, access, move on.

 

there were other small decisions he made that i feel made a difference – he did not waste time or energy lying to himself. yes he missed cake – so what? he wasn’t starving. he wasn’t even hungry. when he ate cake every week he missed it the second it was gone – he realized how temporary the reward was, and how lasting the cost. forced into a rational moment, he realized that he could feel that longing, react to it, and stay the same, or feel that longing, exercise some restraint, and improve. the choice was simple.  he would also never say that he couldn’t have something – he simply didn’t have certain things.  things that weren’t worth their cost.  we all exercise restraint – with our pocketbook, with our relationships – as adults, we recognize that there are things we can have and the things we decide to acquire – all based on cost – he just applied that to his diet.  he is adamant that what he has done is not special – it wasn’t even that hard. praise is meaningless because most people have not really tried, they don’t really understand so their opinion doesn’t matter. in addition, he realized that feeling like he has “accomplished” something makes a small part of his brain want to snap back into old habits. simply put – praise does not help him, so he does not accept it. in fact, i would say he is just a little embarrassed that he hadn’t acted earlier. he had the information the whole time, he was never actually “confused” – he just didn’t like the answer and kept waiting for a better one. in recognizing his reactions, he can now correct them – in fact – each night he asks himself what he could have done better that day. not to gripe or berate himself, just to take stock, make sure he wasn’t slipping back into complacency. constant, ruthless self assessment.

 

that is the stick – now for the carrot.

 

jujitsu. that’s the only reason he stepped into the gym. just one hour a week with me – focused solely on improving his sport performance. he was already spending 6-8 hours a week at jujitsu – grinding. slow and steady progress. he had learned the secret – show up. just show up. pay attention and don’t quit. he approached the gym the same – he would tell me how much he hated how it made him feel, during warm up he would laugh and share all the excuses that went through his head as to why he should stay home, and then he would work to his limit without complaining. every time.  the discomfort he felt in the gym was the price he had to pay to improve. he recognized that his habit was to find easy ways out, to bullshit and make excuses and cut corners. he decided that that was not the man he wanted to be. not the father he wanted to be. he loved jujitsu because there was no hiding – there was a moment where all the talk was washed away. it was honest. and it had to be met honestly.  he would work. he bought an airdyne because he saw how it would help with his goal. he ignored the people who told him that he was working out too hard, or that he should take a break. he knew his budget. he knew the cost. he acted accordingly.

 

end of story. find a way. un-fuck your head.

 

this is an issue of personal narrative. of emotional involvement.  we need to learn to tell ourselves a different story. we need to learn to believe differently.

 

absent a shock, this new story must be structured. reinforced. deliberately constructed. it doesn’t matter what you believe, it matters what those beliefs make you do. hi-carb vegans and rampant, near carnivorous paleo adherents. people who spend 300-600 dollars monthly on supplements, intermittent fasters and food robots. there are many ways to reshape your ideas, to retrain your habits and emotions. the funniest part is that the box you think you fit in is probably the last one you need (unless, of course – you actually know yourself and then it is probably perfect) this is where it gets confusing. gets messy. but there really are a few simple steps that can help give you a little perspective.

 

 

be less emotional.

 

this can be tough.  start with being aware of when you are making decisions based on emotions. food does not need to be a reward. a celebration. a treat. if you are reaching for something sweet because you “deserve” it, you are being emotional and irrational. fucking stop it. this also has to do with seeing other people who can get away with shit that you can’t. you can’t outwork a shitty diet – and i mean you personally. if you could we would not be having this discussion. i know skinny people who drink soda and pound cheesecake – so what? what does obsessing about that do for me? play the hand you have been dealt and don’t waste your precious energy  pretending things are different – instead, try using that energy to make things different.

 

log your calories.

 

chances are you have no clue what you are eating. i use my fitness pal. we usually say log everything for 2 weeks before trying to change anything. logging is usually enough to get me to start leaning out – the awareness itself is enough to keep my choices on track. i also will log first – put the food and the serving into the computer – decide for your self that is worth it, then measure out that serving and eat.  this will also create that moment for you think, to separate the emotion from the action and respond to an urge instead of simply reacting to it. on this same note – myfitnesspal and most other calculators will have a place to enter your workout – don’t. log your workouts, but not here – not to give you an excuse to eat more food. there will be a point where that is important, but chances are it is not now.

 

eat often.

 

again, this is not the only way – but if you never let yourself get truly hungry you are less likely to make poor decisions. the starved mind is less discerning and “i needed to eat something” is usually a manufactured problem. we “forget” to prepare so we “have to” go out to lunch… to McDonalds… it is bullshit and we all know it – the social contract just everyone from calling us out. a good baseline is to keep all feedings under 500 calories. never eat to the point of being truly full – and never let yourself get truly hungry. that being said – being hungry wont kill you. it may be worth intentionally fasting for periods of time to get used to the feeling.

 

fat. protein. carbohydrates.

 

learn some basics about macronutrients. you have google and 5 minutes – “i just don’t get it” is not an acceptable answer. what that really means is that you have found shelter in deliberate ignorance. use a few online calculators to determine your daily caloric load – take the average – try and split it into roughly equal caloric value from each.

 

source matters.

a good read is “good calories, bad calories” from gary taube. you don’t need sugar. you probably don’t need pasta or bread either. you sure as shit don’t need soda (even sugar free or diet) or to drink calories in any way. eat green vegetables. lots of them. using vegetables as your carbohydrate source will more or less guarantee that you do not overeat (assuming you are sticking to the thirds rule). also if you don’t read the label before you eat it you are again clinging to inexcusable, willful ignorance. my friend from the above story chose low GI as yardstick. find yours.

replace your addiction – and mind your budget.

find something. anything. something that you can use to burn off excess emotions, something to justify your discomfort.  combat sport makes this clear – “i am going to resist cake today… and someone is going to pay for it”  – we joke about it all the time, transferring our frustrations, taking it out on others. our minds are good at that sort of redirection – it fits our story. use that. resistance without reward has its cost – know what you can spend and work smart. know how to build equity. manage consequences – with a drug addict smoking weed instead of shooting heroin is a step in the right direction. take the edge off – but remain just uncomfortable enough. we grow to fit our surroundings, manage those and you will be alright.

plan ahead.

be honest – you know how you are going to fail. you have done this before, probably more than once. what were the mechanisms of your failure? the circumstances? why didn’t you have a plan to deal with that? come home late and hungry? leave a go-to meal in the freezer. ready to crack if you don’t go out? check 4 or 5 local restaurants, sit with their menus and plan out a good meal or two at each. stick it to your fridge – these are now the carryout options. they are not problems if you have a plan to deal with them. honestly assess your shortcomings – they will only be an issue if you allow them to be.

manage your expectations.

the goal here is to change – with that in mind the only way to fail is to die or to give up. anything shy of that just changes the timeline. it is hard – to change what you believe – it will take time, but not working at it wont make it happen any faster. tricks like these are part substitute, and part process – changing how you see yourself, how you see your place in the world – that is the goal here.   i have met many people who tell me that they can stick to a change for about 6 weeks and then they give up – they want to know what i can do for them… i don’t even know where to start. if you know the problem why don’t you fix it? if you have already organized an exit strategy, orchestrated your failure – isn’t there a more productive way you can spend the next 6 weeks? again, this is about a story – the only story that matters. you are the hero here – to grow, you need to fight. you need drama. but you also need to survive. there are a lot of things we cannot control in this world, so cling hard to the things you can. too big of a bite causing you to choke? take smaller fucking bites and keep moving. small victories can build momentum – use that.

it is time to start telling yourself a different story.

 

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 ultimately, the goal is to understand yourself. this work is a mirror, it will show us everything – and provide us with the means to change it.

 

*now, if you have a glandular issue, severe metabolic damage or some other issue – get blood work done, see a doctor and fix that first. if you diagnosed yourself with a thyroid condition than get it checked out and under control – not getting it checked is the definition of being fucked in the head.

 

 

the obstacle is the way

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“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
– Marcus Aurelius

 

how about this – a challenge is not an opportunity in disguise. a challenge is simply the vehicle for progress. the road and the map. the means. nothing more. nothing less.

 

we make our obstacles profoundly personal, and through that distort our perception and waste precious energy. we stress and we panic and weaken our chances of success. we set ourselves up for failure as a matter of habit.

 

change that habit.

 

arguably, the only thing we have true control of is our thoughts. we must re-frame our perceptions. this is difficult. this will take training. this will be worth it. “this sucks” is actually two thoughts – an observation and a judgement – “this” – whatever it is – is happening, and on top of that: i don’t like it. the judgement is automatic and, while i will concede that it is relevant to a point,  it does not change the facts of what is happening. the obstacle is not altered by our feelings. the obstacle when properly observed is simply a list of interconnected tasks that must be achieved.  cleverness, talent, and style may allow an individual to skip certain steps, or take them in a different order, but once competencies are assessed a plan must be enacted. our feelings do not change the task. at a certain point no question or plea will change what must be done and will only serve to sap time and energy that could be better spent on engaging the problem. this is the moment to re-frame  – to ask “would the answer to this question change the problem?” if the task is unchangeable than chances are your questioning is simply feeding your own panic and wasting time. the best tacticians pause long enough to not react emotionally, but do not wait so long as to miss opportunities. and opportunities are the point. we are defined by our struggles. created by them. needs can only be assessed in relation to a goal. the obstacle – when viewed correctly – will tell you precisely what it needs you to be.

this is where the training comes in. to teach ourselves to minimize the panicked, emotional reaction – to feel it and dismiss it as soon as it ceases to be useful. we train ourselves to absorb the cold facts of the situation, to honestly assess our abilities and to execute with precision and audacity that which must be done. to constantly face relatively simple problems, to hone our skills in viewing the source of our immediate discomfort as  containing the means to overcome it. to see a goal, and work towards it – unapologetically. if something is actually “in the way” then it must be dealt with.  it is important to be clear with the final objective and the frame in which we can act – with the “length of our leash” so to speak, and the consequences for indiscretion – and then to let everything that does not matter truly slide.   accidents and mistakes will happen. failures will happen. without the emotional content all that is happening is a re-framing of the problem.  a better view of the map, new skills, and a new timeline – the obstacle stays the same. it is why we look at the gym as a mental engagement with physical side effects. we orchestrate stressors to illicit specific changes. obstacles within obstacles – each given their rightful attention at the right time. our physical capabilities are tools in the box – as we stretch and stress our ability to flex and endure, our bodies change to reflect – expanding our toolkit and allowing us to move over and through and on to new obstacles.  for us the goal is change. it is improvement. refinement. we have become so comfortable in our daily lives that we are rotting. so we search – we approach obstacles, we pick a fight. we look to things that are bigger and harder and crash upon them in order to become harder ourselves. we seek the stress – find pleasure in the discomfort and inconvenience knowing that it is our choice. our game. knowing that this temporary enemy is our greatest teacher. our truest friend. we feel this way because it is the most useful way to feel.  if we cannot (or unwilling) to change the goal – if the obstacle is truly static and immovable – then it makes sense to enjoy the struggle. to approach the obstacle as a student, eager to learn.

in short – “the problem contains the fucking solution” we just need to get out of our own way long enough to see it. examine the obstacle – not to bemoan or inflate its perceived difficulty, but instead to accurately understand what must be done – and what you can get away with. what skills are needed, what constraints you are facing, and how you plan to spend your limited resources.  often times the greatest difficulty lies not in the “doing” but in the assessment of what must be done. embrace the obstacle. the challenge. the “hard”. we are adaptive creatures, molded by our environment – your challenges don’t define you as much as they create you – or better yet you create yourself in the overcoming. change is not a prize, but a process – it does not lie at the top of a mountain but is, instead, a result of the climb.

 

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i am constantly amazed by the work of joey roth – his posters hang in the entrance of our gym, a beautiful and simple reminder of what we are trying to accomplish. and now we add another lesson to our wall… (this is apparently a vary limited run in colobration with Ryan Holiday in reference to his book of the same name – click the image to go to the official page)

hope.

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i heard it said once that saying “i hope” is nothing but a tacit acknowledgement that you have no control over the outcome of any given situation, and while i generally abhor the “life hack” style of “simple tricks to be… whatever” – i can no longer hear someone remark on their “hopes” without a small, sad laugh.  i think people in general sell short their ability to affect change in the world and their own lives in particular. we get into habits, habits of thinking of our wants instead of our abilities.  of our problems as opposed to their solutions. we spend so much time training our bodies. hardening things. creating and refining automatic behavior. it makes sense that we would spend at least as much attention to our minds, to our thoughts – curating those same automatic behaviors, working diligently to increase strength, endurance, speed, power, flexibility, agility, and resilience. doing everything we can to have options and exist as a product of our own design. to shape our very selves. we are all tools, tools of our own making, this is about learning and refining. becoming a force multiplier. becoming an agent of change. to trade in our hopes for calloused hands and a saw-toothed, grinding determination. in the end we are judged by our actions. be aware, and be deliberate.

 

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kevin is an example of what can be accomplished when an individual digs a little deeper. starts to look at the process, the opportunity to break and rebuild their very selves.

someone who chooses to live deliberately – to hope less and work more – to take responsibility.

improvement.

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It is essential to, on occasion, re-evaluate your priorities. Your standards. Your expectations and your tools. Sometimes you have to burn it all down in order to build again. Self image can be a trap as much as it is a tool. Clear board and clear minds.

ways and means. standards and self. community and accountability….

comfort is the enemy of progress.

it sometimes takes a shock, an outside force to make you re-examine your situation.

try this – remove yourself.

seriously. take a few moments and imagine watching your own life. your actions. your relationships. your standards –  without your close, emotional attachment. what would you think? is it inspiring? is it challenging? worthwhile?

is it an improvement on the silence?

it is easy to get caught up in ourselves, in how far we have come.  we pat ourselves on the back and forget to look at what is next – at where we are going.  we have built up our narrative, told ourselves the story so many times that we believe it as true. the truth is that we reflect our environment. when it is new and scary we change ourselves to fit, we bend and push, we become –  but eventually that environment reinforces nothing but our current position in the world. it tells us that we have arrived. that we are good enough. we find our place in the pack and accept it. we behave.

the ruthless self assessment is a tool. it is scary. it should be. that is how you know it is working.

sometimes the group itself must be analyzed. as a whole. as an entity. as a construction with a purpose.

is it useful? does it measure up? could it be better? could it change? could it be more than it is?

it hurts to look at yourself, at something you created and be disappointed. to be unsatisfied. to want more.  but pain is not the enemy, it is only a signal.  it tells us that something needs to change.  too often we respond to that discomfort by finding a smaller pond to swim in. we find others who tell us that we are fine where we are, that look up to us only because their standards are even more dismal than our own. we find other people standing on the side of the road, looking back at how far they have come.

what are you doing? why? is it acceptable? why? is it progress? why? are you afraid? why not?

defend yourself.

yes. these questions can be painful, but that means there is something there, something important. we can use that information to keep moving forward. to motivate ourselves. to ask why we ever stopped in the first place.  the journey is rocky, and we all have setbacks. we have such little control in this world, it is easy to feel disheartened, to accept that our actions are too insignificant, that we should just find a way to be happy with what we have.  but is that useful?  does that really help anybody? we may only have a small shred of control, but doesn’t that mean we should execute that control to the fullest extent of ourselves? that we should seek out a community – a safety net and a lever,  a  force multiplier,  a collection of ideas and challenges, of information and inspiration.  of people to ask and to teach, people to push and to question. people who can provide examples of what we would like to become. true community should nurture its members,  but also challenge them. stagnation is fatal. the goal is to find that note, that beautiful harmony of safety and danger – the feeling of being cared for enough to be held to a higher standard.

i am afraid i have grown too complacent. i have become so enamored with the sound of my own voice that i lost sight of what i was actually describing.  i believe daniel quinn said he knew society was doomed because we lie to our children. we show our hopelessness because we cannot stomach being honest with those who it effects most.

well. if you don’t like what you see in the mirror, then change it.

i have said before that i would rather be useful than liked.

i think it is time to follow through.

5 easy steps to get your head out of your ass.

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prerequisite: commit.

1. stop looking to fucking internet lists to fix your life. realize that it will not be easy. it will not be quick. it will be fucking hard and uncomfortable and it will change you. if you want to be different you are going to have to do different things. it will hurt. it will be scary. deal with it.

 

2. get to know yourself. really. ask some hard questions. why do you like what you like? hate what you hate? why have you succeeded in the past? why have you failed? what are you good at? bad at? how do you talk to people who you need something from? who need something from you? what are your assumptions based on? what makes you happy? what scares you? why? this can be crippling at first. deal with it. the questions will never go away, they will simply turn into a constant undercurrent in your life. the more uncomfortable they are the more likely it is that you will find something useful.

 

3. take responsibility. really. anything you gathered from the list above – it is now your problem. insecure because your parents didn’t hug you enough? your problem. in debt because you got a degree in a field with no job opportunities  – your problem. not over your ex? – your fucking problem. what i mean is that the world doesn’t care why you are fucked up, and as soon as you have an inkling of why you are that way – it no longer matters. more specifically, it only matters as far as it will give you a place to start fixing it. stop asking the world to expect less because you are unwilling to work on your self.  explanations are not excuses. telling me why you are fucked up just tells me you know what the problem is but you refuse to fix it. that you would rather have an excuse to act broken than make a little effort and change into something better. or if you wont change, if you see use in what you have become – accept that this is you, is who you are, and fucking own it.

 

4.remember that your wants are very small things in this world, it is what you can do that matters.  your reasons for acting are your own, and while that matters a great deal to you and slightly less to your friends and family, no one else fucking cares.  too many people act as if their wanting is enough, as if they are entitled to something. do something. offer something. do it for your own reasons, but do something. even when that something is just exercising a little fucking restraint.

 

5. life is not fair. shitty genetics? deal with it. economic hardship? deal with it. people hate you because of your accent or religion or skin color? deal with it. complaining is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. you can not change other people. you can not control the world. the only thing you can control is the thoughts in your head. through that, you control your body. your voice.  and through that, you exert your influence. respect that fact. cultivate it. hone your tools, learn to wield them to your purpose. build a tribe, people who know. people who are unimpressed with your actions. people who expect more from you. people who challenge you. life is not fair, and you have already been dealt your hand – stop complaining about what you have been given and learn to play a beautiful game.

 

-the station

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image via: Joey Roth